i just got back from my fourth Big Gay Road Trip with my queer platonic life partner, and i started my day with a phone call with a friend wrestling with transition, and i think i’m going to play gay hockey this winter, so, it’s been on my mind.
but man, the above just hit me right in my Queer Feels
because it’s what we go through, right?
we do our best to fit in with the rest of the ducks, even though we know deep down, even when we can’t explain it, that we are Not Ducks, and we feel sad and alone and unwanted because we don’t do the things that the ducks expect us to do, and - especially when we don’t quite have the words to explain why - they don’t know why we don’t do Duck Things. even when they love us and raise us as their own they are often baffled by us and mourn when they realize that we will never be ducks.
i said to my friend this afternoon on the phone, i told them ‘you need to find genderqueer friends,’ and i think what i meant to say was ‘you need to find your queers, whoever they are,’ whether they be swans or Stitches or people who rock out with mohawks and beards and skirts, because the only reason i’m as happy and healthy as i am is because i found my queers - my queer platonic life partner and my gay husbands and my local nerd queers, the people who don’t look at my gender as an awesome act of performance but who simply love and know k8, who know what it’s like to not be a duck.
anyway. this ugly duckling is happy because they know where they belong. and Lilo & Stitch give me all the feelings, sometimes.
Maybe, what you think is a tough fist is just a tired ballerina curling her arms around her knees. Either way, I can guarantee a haircut will never tell you anything about someone’s gender, who they love, or how they fuck. But I’ll keep growing out my short temper for the next time I have the “opportunity” to tell someone in my queer community, “Look, that I am about as butch as a Swedish male figure skater“ As for dyke, I will happily dance in that music box for tonight, but tomorrow when I pull the word ‘faggot’ from the shotgun of a frat boy’s throat then send it in a love letter to my love so she can scratch it down my back.
Please believe, I am taking back every bible belt that has ever cracked against my spine. Every night, I drove through Kansas with I swear to god a pink barrette in my fucking pocket in case I had to split second decide if woman would be safer armored with this, with his flashing blue lights. Give me ten seconds to pick what target he’ll be less likely to miss. Officer, I’d be willing to bet those arrows would look a whole lot sharper in my cupid hands than in the dull hatchet of your hate, than in the way you spit the word “ma’am” down my throat like I might swallow it in the same gulp as my pride. Before you decide who I am, remember pride, that’s my parade. Built from the fairy wings of boys who bulldozed your barricades the day you claimed AIDS was a gift of God.
During last year’s discussion we rattled off a handful of gay and lesbian characters in our company’s various works—yes, Rufus and Burnie did come up—after which someone asked the panel about transgender characters.
Awkward comments about girdles and curses and mimics.
Between Joe, Jeremy, Steve Kenson, and myself—lifetime gamers each—we had nothing. But we acknowledged that we can do better than that. Already I’m preparing for this year’s seminar and already I’m planning to bring that topic back up with at least three examples from the interim year of Paizo products that have included positive portrayals of transgender characters.
That’s not for me, that’s not for some mythical GLBTQ agenda, that’s because a gamer at a convention told me she’d like to see a character she could relate to in our games. She wanted someone like her to slay monsters, cast magic, and be a hero.
No problem. I can do that. After all, that’s what Pathfinder is all about.
Me being boy mode or girl mode has no difference on a performance or the way I live my life. I’ve been trying to be an actor from the age of seven. There is a perception thing. I can see show-runners, producers and directors if they go, “Oh the transvestite guy, I don’t know how that fits.” It gets as very fine as that. I kind of walk a tightrope now. I’m tactical. I tell everyone I’m a transvestite. It’s like if you’re gay, you don’t have go around having sex everywhere just to prove it. I’m just wearing what I wear, and I look kind of blokeish.
If I looked like Marilyn Monroe, actually I’d just throw anything on and a bit of eyeliner, and everyone would think I’m really girly. I also appreciate some of the boy aspects of me cause I am 100% boy, plus extra girl. That’s the weird thing. I’ve just sent off my dad’s genome and my genome and we’re going to compare them. But within it, there will be the transvestite, trans—well, I call transgender the whole group.
And then there’s transvestite and transsexual, which I believe are the same thing but it depends whether you take hormones to move yourself from transvestite to transsexual. The next person has a different thing saying, “No it’s not that. This is the name of it.” It’s a bit like where gay and lesbian were back in the 1950s.
How I’m looking is me trying to work out the best way of getting everything I’m trying to get in this life because there could be another one, but at the moment I’m only banking on this life. I don’t believe in the invisible bloke upstairs.
I decided to go for a very hard femme look today. Sheer top, leather, studs, and fuckin’ pink heels. Yeah! The inspiration here was likely my new (lack of) hair, as I now have a shaved head after losing a bet earlier this week. The orange was fun but I’m honestly really loving the freedom and ease of my bald look. Anyhow, I’m curious … what do you think of this hard femme look, Tumblr?
You know what?
I love this.
Kor’s guide to fashions and “gendered” clothes: If you rock it, wear it. That’s it. That’s the guide. If you like how you look in something, you wear it (you know so long as you’re complying with health and safety standards for your environment like closed in shoes for working in a lab). You will always look awesome.