"No," Steve says, and presses his lips closed for emphasis - and also in self-defense.
Which appears to be a wise move. “C’mon, Steve,” Bucky wheedles, looking for all the world like he’s ready to pop a piece of the steaming pastry—<i>thing</i> into Steve’s mouth the moment it opens back up. “They’re delicious.”
"They’re not," Steve says, shaking his head. "I can see the sogginess from here."
"Dude, that’s half the point," Darcy chimes in. "Hot Pockets are microwaveably delicious!"
"I can take issue with that entire sentence," Steve replies.
"You’re missing out," Bucky tells him. "C’mon, just a bite?" He gives Darcy a sly grin, which is slightly terrifying; Bucky and Darcy on their own are each incredibly good at getting up to trouble. Their teaming up is likely a sign of the impending apocalypse. "I used to have to force him to eat more than just beans from a can when we were growing up. If it’d been up to Steve, it would have been beans every night."
Darcy wrinkles her nose. “Ew.”
"That’s not true," Steve interjects hurriedly; he can practically <i>feel</i> the ground slipping out from beneath him. "I made toasted cheese sometimes."
Bucky raises his eyebrows, smirking. “See what I mean?” he tells Darcy, popping another bite of Hot Pocket into his mouth. “A can of beans, a loaf of bread, and some cheese, and Steve Rogers was <i>set.</i>”
"You’d eat a can of beans, but you won’t even try a Hot Pocket?" Darcy asks, nose still wrinkled. "Seriously?"
"Beans are nutritious," Steve replies, a little grumpy.
"They are the magical fruit," Darcy replies, utterly straight-faced. Steve’s not quite sure what the joke is, but it’s clear that there’s one there. "Still, Hot Pockets have all four of your major food groups. There’s the cheese group, the empty carbs group, the trans fat group, and the grease group. I mean, the only thing better is pizza."
"Which we don’t have," Steve points out.
Bucky sighs. “Sadly. But hey, if you don’t want this,” he pops the last of the Hot Pocket into his mouth and grins shamelessly at Steve through the crumbs on his lips, “more for me.”
Steve shakes his head, but Darcy speaks first, clearly trying to head off an argument. “Okay! Moving on. Nutella or Sno Balls?”
"Nutella," Steve says at the same time as Bucky says "Sno Balls."
"Nutella it is," Darcy pronounces. "Bucky got to pick last time." She takes a pair of spoons, dips them into the Nutella, then hands one each to Steve and Bucky.
"Chocolate?" Bucky asks.
"And hazelnut," Darcy answers. "It’s basically the best thing ever." And she’s right, Steve realizes as the Nutella all but melts on his tongue. Darcy’s watching his face with a satisfied smile. "It’s really good spread on toast."
Bucky makes a quiet noise then, and Steve looks up and realizes that he’s got an equally satisfied but slightly—no, more than slightly—predatory look on his face. “Um, Darcy?” Steve says. He recognizes that look. “Can we, uh—”
"Raincheck," Bucky says, standing up from the table and snagging the jar of Nutella, his eyes never leaving Steve’s.
Darcy raises an eyebrow. “But we haven’t even gotten to Sno Balls yet!”
"Raincheck," Bucky repeats. He’s about fifteen seconds away from grabbing Steve’s wrist and dragging him into the bedroom.
Darcy smirks, and Steve realizes that she’s known exactly what Bucky’s had in mind since he first popped the spoon in his mouth. “Okay, but you’re totally buying me a new jar of Nutella.”
"Deal," Steve and Bucky say at the same time. Darcy grins and snags her bag on the way out, whistling some song that Steve is sure has something to do with sex. Not that he has much time to think about it; Bucky’s crowding into his space the moment the door closes. "Can of beans everyday, huh?" Steve asks him, only because turnabout is <i>absolutely</i> fair play.
Bucky snorts. “Don’t try to deny it, Rogers,” he says, pressing Steve against the counter, mouth ghosting across Steve’s jaw, angling towards his ear. “Why are we talking about beans when we’ve got a jar of whatever this stuff is? For that matter, why are your clothes still on?”
Steve can’t help but grin against Bucky’s skin. “You tell me.”
They’re going to owe Darcy an apology, and a new jar of Nutella. Steve finds he doesn’t mind in the slightest.
(Again for amyamychan. Title is a Jim Gaffigan quote (of course).)